Sunday, January 23, 2011

1.23.11

I was thinking today about how it feels like my life has sort of jumped around in normal "life experiences". I'm not sure how to word that any better, but I'll try to explain.

I think I may have mentioned a while back that I always wanted to go to college first, get married, and then have kids. Everything has happened quite the opposite... I had my son, then got married, then graduated with my associate's degree (and am now going back for my bachelor's). I've already had a "career" (when I was in the Navy) and now that I'm in school it feels like I'm going back and repeating a younger part in life... the college kid... and I'm finding it hard to adjust right now. Some days I feel good about everything and think I have a nice routine going and I'm straight, but other days I sit and wonder what the heck am I doing. I wonder if I will be able to be successful in school (even though I KNOW I can if I put my mind to it and put in the work). I wish I was able to have had that typical college experience of living in a dorm and making tons of friends and partying, but I know I can't do that now since I have a family of my own and have already had a small career period. I'm "old" by typical college standards.

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my current life for anything in the world. We are financially stable. We will soon be homeowners. Our marriage is strong and good. I love coming home from school and spending time with Tyler, and spending even more time with him on the weekends. And I really treasure all of the little things, like his snuggles, putting him to bed at night, watching him do silly things and laughing crazily. I love the alone time I get with Jon after Tyler is in bed, and our ability to joke with each other and feeling like I fall in love with him all over again at least once a week. It's absolutely great.

I think once I get out of school I won't feel so confused and disoriented. Call me crazy but I ENJOY living the "American dream" of having a husband, a house, pets, and kids. I love cooking for my family, I love trying to knit (ha, note the word TRYING), I enjoy planning out a possible garden for our new house this summer, I don't even mind not having much of a social life. Sure, it would be nice to have some friends and go out every once in a while, but I'm cool with our way of life for the time being. I know a lot of old friends of mine are still enjoying being young and not being married or tied down to the domesticated lifestyle yet, but I can't imagine NOT being this way.

Actually, I was reading over a couple of old friends' Livejournals today, and it made me sad how we have lost touch over the years. And sad that they went through some rough experiences and I wish I had known about them, and had been able to reach out and offer my friendship during those times. I miss those old friends. Part of me still clings to these high school memories and wishes I could rekindle those old times, but I know it can't be. I just wish I still had those old friends as a close part of my life... at times I feel like since I joined the Navy and got married and had a kid, I was pushed away because we lost common ground. It hurts to think about but I guess I need to move on.

Well, that's enough of my musings for this afternoon. I should go dive head first into my physics homework and pray I can get the answers correct!

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